In Trying Times

It's been a trying year.  I say "trying," not in the negative sense - not in a defeatist fashion - but matter of factly.  I've spent the year "trying."  Trying to move forward, trying to learn, trying to grow, trying to put the obstacles behind me.  There were days when the trying was too much for me, and I reverted to avoidance.  There were weeks when I felt like I was only treading water, and there were months when I thought I might not have enough left inside to keep swimming against the current.  I never thought of going under, but I floated on my back for a while, letting the tide carry me along.

But that's what life is about, isn't it?  Learning to swim?  Diving deeper than even you knew you could, and resurfacing, rejuvenated, empowered, encouraged to keep going.  Life is about challenge and change and transformation.  Life is about recognizing your strength, your drive, your passion.  Life is about learning what moves you, what propels you forward in the most trying of times.  And life is about testing your limits, embracing your unique composition, the ever-changing, impressionable being that You are.  Life is about acknowledging what makes you happy, and about giving thanks.

On Thanksgiving Day, I'm reflecting on the year that's past, and all I've been through - spiritually, emotionally, physically.  I look back on a year of months where hiding was easier than taking that dive. A year where I barely kept my head above water.  Oddly, the year is somewhat of a blur.  I feel almost as if I hadn't lived it at all.  It's like I'd forgotten how to find pleasure in the simple things.  How to enjoy a beautiful day, a drive in the car, a quiet morning alone.  I forgot that a smile or a hug or a kind word could make the difference in someone's day - and a lot of the time, that smile or hug or kind word came from me to someone else - and could have made the difference in MY day.

While I sit on my deck, in this beautiful sunshine, turkey in the oven, family relaxing inside - I can smile - knowing that the simple things are starting to bring me joy again.  I'm thankful for my incredibly patient husband, who knew I was still in there somewhere, trying to come up for air.  I'm thankful for my amazing friends, who no matter how lost I was to myself, continued to remind me of the things I used to like about Me.  The friends and family who never lost sight of the person I am and the person I want to be.  I'm thankful for the encouragement and the loyalty and the love I feel every day, from countless people in my life - from new friends and old.  And I'm flattered that I can still be a sounding board and source of inspiration to other people who were also trying - and continue to try.  Deep breaths, my friends.

It may have been a trying year, but it was a learning year, and a growing year.  And for that, I have a deeper sense of gratitude.  Thanksgiving means something more than usual to me today.  It means recognition, it means acceptance, it means hope and rebirth.  It means I'm thankful for my life, and for everything in it, and it means I'm moving on - head above water, paddling for the shore.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone !
- L.