And so, this is Easter.....

And so, this is Easter.  My, how it's changed.  I remember being a kid, dressing up, going to church, visiting family.  We dyed eggs, ate ham, hunted for our baskets.  Every year, my grandparents sponsored an Easter Egg Hunt.  Plastic eggs, filled with candy and money and prizes.  What fun. The red and white egg always held a $5 bill.

Through college, sometimes I came home, sometimes not.  If I didn't, I spent Easter with another family, who went to church, cooked amazing meals, and insisted on dying eggs, regardless of that fact that we were all past our formative years.

I woke up this morning, not quite knowing how to respond to the day.  I woke up feeling more than a little lost.  I understand that Easter is clearly the most important Christian holiday.  I want to pay homage, and yet, I'm not particularly religious.  I envy those who believe, and I wish I could do the same - but the fact is, I feel like a fraud, when I go to church.  I'm not vested in the beauty of the story.  I don't believe with my head; I don't feel with my heart.

And it's hard to admit to my Christian family and friends, that I'm still skeptical.  It's hard to say that I think I'm Agnostic, and most likely Atheist.  I'm not sure how to introduce those feelings, how to talk about them, how to push them aside, so that people still see me for me.  I'm not a bad person - but I struggle with faith.  To be honest, I envy the people that cast their doubts aside, and believe in this higher power.  I admire my religious friends for the truth they hold in their souls.  And have no doubt - my Christian friends are the most beautiful and inspirational people I know.  I'd be honored to be welcomed into their fold.

And everyone says - just come to church - just read the Bible.  I get that.  But understand me.  The Bible is inspirational - but to me, it's a story.  And everyone knows how much I love a good story.  I believe in the power of fiction, but I still believe it's partially a dream.  So, in essence, I buy into the Christian methodology....but I don't buy the dream.  I can't have faith in something I don't know - in something I can't prove.  And to my Christian friends, this is a sin - and I'm sorry for that.  I don't mean to hurt you.  I don't mean to shy away.

And yet, when I go to Church, I feel so out of place - so isolated.  I can't fake a good feeling - nor, do I think it would be honorable to try.  I'm not the kind of person who puts on a face, and pretends to be real. I'm proud of that.  I believe in the power of good and evil, and I do my best to support the good - but don't ask me to lie.  I'm not a good liar.

So, today - I woke up wondering what Easter was going to mean for me.  And I considered the Christian truths, and I paid homage to Christ - although I don't know if he's real....but I appreciate the story, the truth, the emotion, the sacrifice.  And then, I wondered what I would do if I had children?  Because children make Easter special.  And then, I wished I had children....because then, they might make ME special.

And then, I went to the store, bought some good food, and whipped up a meal.  The Husband and I celebrated Easter like any other Sunday, and it was disheartening a bit, but the food was good - and the company was good - and I guess, that's all you can ask when you don't believe.  I think that's the price you pay for being skeptical....for challenging everyone else's reality.  Maybe that's the cross we carry for being different.  And I'm not saying I'm proud - but at least, I'm honest.  Happy Easter, Friends!




- L.