And so, this is Easter.....

And so, this is Easter.  My, how it's changed.  I remember being a kid, dressing up, going to church, visiting family.  We dyed eggs, ate ham, hunted for our baskets.  Every year, my grandparents sponsored an Easter Egg Hunt.  Plastic eggs, filled with candy and money and prizes.  What fun. The red and white egg always held a $5 bill.

Through college, sometimes I came home, sometimes not.  If I didn't, I spent Easter with another family, who went to church, cooked amazing meals, and insisted on dying eggs, regardless of that fact that we were all past our formative years.

I woke up this morning, not quite knowing how to respond to the day.  I woke up feeling more than a little lost.  I understand that Easter is clearly the most important Christian holiday.  I want to pay homage, and yet, I'm not particularly religious.  I envy those who believe, and I wish I could do the same - but the fact is, I feel like a fraud, when I go to church.  I'm not vested in the beauty of the story.  I don't believe with my head; I don't feel with my heart.

And it's hard to admit to my Christian family and friends, that I'm still skeptical.  It's hard to say that I think I'm Agnostic, and most likely Atheist.  I'm not sure how to introduce those feelings, how to talk about them, how to push them aside, so that people still see me for me.  I'm not a bad person - but I struggle with faith.  To be honest, I envy the people that cast their doubts aside, and believe in this higher power.  I admire my religious friends for the truth they hold in their souls.  And have no doubt - my Christian friends are the most beautiful and inspirational people I know.  I'd be honored to be welcomed into their fold.

And everyone says - just come to church - just read the Bible.  I get that.  But understand me.  The Bible is inspirational - but to me, it's a story.  And everyone knows how much I love a good story.  I believe in the power of fiction, but I still believe it's partially a dream.  So, in essence, I buy into the Christian methodology....but I don't buy the dream.  I can't have faith in something I don't know - in something I can't prove.  And to my Christian friends, this is a sin - and I'm sorry for that.  I don't mean to hurt you.  I don't mean to shy away.

And yet, when I go to Church, I feel so out of place - so isolated.  I can't fake a good feeling - nor, do I think it would be honorable to try.  I'm not the kind of person who puts on a face, and pretends to be real. I'm proud of that.  I believe in the power of good and evil, and I do my best to support the good - but don't ask me to lie.  I'm not a good liar.

So, today - I woke up wondering what Easter was going to mean for me.  And I considered the Christian truths, and I paid homage to Christ - although I don't know if he's real....but I appreciate the story, the truth, the emotion, the sacrifice.  And then, I wondered what I would do if I had children?  Because children make Easter special.  And then, I wished I had children....because then, they might make ME special.

And then, I went to the store, bought some good food, and whipped up a meal.  The Husband and I celebrated Easter like any other Sunday, and it was disheartening a bit, but the food was good - and the company was good - and I guess, that's all you can ask when you don't believe.  I think that's the price you pay for being skeptical....for challenging everyone else's reality.  Maybe that's the cross we carry for being different.  And I'm not saying I'm proud - but at least, I'm honest.  Happy Easter, Friends!




- L.

Everybody's Goin' Off the Deep End

"Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend."


Well, Lover Boy, you may be right.  We see proof all week.  Posts about dreading Monday, welcoming "Hump" day, TGIFs.  Those of us who work a standard Monday through Friday yearn for the end of the five day jail sentence.  We sit at our desks, wishing our lives away, however sad that may be.

So, what do we do when we get to that Friday?  What do we make of an open door, a free pass, a pardoned sentence?  I guess it all depends, and I can only speak for me, but lately it's been disheartening.  I wish the week away, only to embrace a weekend of anesthetizing, procrastinating, avoiding and lamenting.  I tell myself I'm overwhelmed, I need a break, I have to get away.  I justify my lack of presence by saying I need some escape from reality. I need some mental nourishment; some food for the soul.

And then, I wake up Sunday morning, after a Saturday of self indulgence, dreading Monday, and knowing that I squandered the weekend away.  I wake up cold and tired, realizing the avoidance was all for 'naught;  that I'm no better off, than I was on Friday.  No further along, than I was last Monday.  And the guilt washes over.

What have I done with my weekend?  Where has the time gone?  Why am I still so overwhelmed?  And what is it, really?  Why can't I get some relief?  Why do I feel like I'm wading through cold water - why do I feel so behind the tide?  It doesn't make sense.  I took a break.  I fed myself.  Didn't I?

And then, it hits me.  A wave of realization.  I did nothing of the sort.  Avoidance isn't feeding.  Avoidance is just that.  I put my life aside, for a weekend.  I ignored ME.  I thought I was taking a break, and in reality, I was nailing myself into a coffin.  Sounds a little harsh, but it's basically true.  The more you look the other way, the more you disappear.  And when you do it, week after week after week, you continue to support your own burial.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't want to work for the weekend.  I want to work for ME.  I realize most of us aren't fortunate enough to get paid for what we're best at - to get compensated for the work that feeds our souls - and I accept that.  But don't we owe it to ourselves to NOT squander our free time?  Shouldn't we be working for our weekends?  Shouldn't we be using them to feed ourselves, heal ourselves, get back to good?

I think so.  And I'm not looking forward to another guilt-ridden Sunday.  I want to go into the week with a good attitude.  I want to work for the weekend, knowing I have a purpose.  I want to wake up on Saturday morning, feeling like life is waiting for me.  I want to feel like everything is still possible.  Because it is, isn't it?  We're all working for the weekend, and there's a reason for that.  There's promise in the weekend.  "Everybody needs a second chance. "

-- L.

Silly Putty for the Dentally Challenged

Smiles by Stevens, Visit #3:  Caulking & Crown Molding

Appointment with Dr. Shea Stevens, DMD.



Those of you who've read my blog, know that I've written a couple of pieces about my dreaded experiences with The Dentist.  This morning was my third visit to Dr. Stevens' office, and the most dreaded, yet.

Today, I had to have four teeth filled, and one filling removed, replaced, filed down, and crowned - all on the right side (Right Brained, Right Handed, Right Chew Dominant).  In a 3.5 hour visit, I was told I could have it all finished - decay defeated, teeth protected, temporary fortress in place.  In 3.5 hours, I could build a defense policy against future invasion, prevent any potential infractions, eliminate all evidence of destruction.  Like an oral lobotomy.  Beautiful.

Doc Stevens is amazing, and put me at ease right away.  He explained the process, joked around, even sang a little - however poorly.  He continually asked how I was doing; if I was OK.  When I felt the drill, he applied more anesthetic.  It made me wonder if Doc Stevens would consider shrinking.  Numb me up, address the pain.  Hit a nerve, and medicate some more.  Keep probing, keep drilling down to the roots.

Thankfully, I didn't need a root canal.  The damage went to the gum line, but didn't penetrate any further - no evidence of tissue or bleeding - no deep seated decay.  Thankfully, my mouth isn't as deeply affected as my brain.  Thankfully, this discomfort will go away, this pain can be reversed.

So, there I was - sentenced to 3.5 hours in the chair, and doing my best to stay open, focused, resilient.  Wishing this dental work could be mental work - knowing I could use the cavity fillings, the protective wall, the defense mechanisms.  I sat there, wanting this experience to encompass more than just remodeling my mouth.  But I guess that's on me.

I think the parallels between dental and mental health are strong.  I've started to floss daily - figuratively and metaphorically.  I fight to rid myself of the plaque that causes decay.  I do my best to ward off the intruders that fill those spaces with negatives, those enemies that sneak in, and make themselves at home.

It's been a while, but I've found my way back to the right track.  My mouth is making a comeback, and my psyche is following suit.  I've finally come to understand that damage is reversible - with a little anesthetic, a little pain, and a little work.  Nothing is easy, nothing is free - but anything is possible.

As I was leaving work today, Dr. Stevens called me.  He wanted to know how I was doing.  He'd told me this morning that he was going to call, but the fact that he calls his customers to check on them was so pleasing to me.  I smiled ear to ear, while I told him I'd had some pain when the anesthetic wore off, but I took some Advil, and I was doing well.  I restrained myself from asking if he would be willing to switch fields.  I seriously think he'd make a great Psychiatrist.  I'm crossing my fingers that he comes across this epiphany on his own.

After I talked with the doc, I called the Hubster to meet me for dinner.  Some more anesthetic, some soft food, a little empathy.  A few hours of this kind of therapy was just what I needed.  Dental Pain/Mental Pain - great food, good wine, a little love - and all is right again.

So, next up - The Coronation.  Permanent crown is introduced and seated.  Looking forward to the new fortress.  Stay tuned.....

- L.

Something to Chew On

(As promised, the sequel to my previous blog:  http://lincolnsideup8.blogspot.com/2011/03/like-pulling-teeth.html)

Smiles by Stevens, Visit #2:  Cleaning, Polish, Fluoride Varnish.  

Appointment with Tina Royer, R.D.H., Dental Hygienist.  

Tina is as nice as she looks.  In fact, everyone in the Smiles by Stevens office is warm, receptive, informative and friendly.  Tina performed the "scaling" treatment, on my last visit.  She removed the splinters of tarter from under my gums, the shards of unwanted intruders, known to cause irritation, inflammation and discomfort.  

MESSAGE:  Once removed, they  heal, and relief comes almost instantly.  I started thinking about the splinters in my brain.  Sharp reminders of pain points, prickles of discomfort, shards of regret and defeat.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could do some internal scaling; if we could instantly remove these splinters from our brains?

Tina told me to floss daily - to eliminate build-up in the spaces between the teeth, plaque deposits that harden, accumulate, and promote decay.  

MESSAGE:   I think about the spaces in my life - the holes, the voids, the gaps - the spaces between who I am and who I want to be.  And I consider - what gets in the way?  What promotes decay?  Grief, regret, anxiety, fear - to name a few.  They're attracted to the spaces, they fester in the voids.  And I know she's right.  

I learned a lot from my last visit, and I went back today, grateful for an opportunity to continue on the journey.  Dental care basics are surprisingly similar to life's fundamentals.  I never realized it, until I forced myself back into that chair.  It's surprising how fear can transcend through so many layers of consciousness, and permeate such a broad scope of life's experiences.

I looked forward to my visit today.  Today was about cleaning, polishing, varnishing.  Today was about scraping away the build-up, probing, prodding - tough love.  Today was about shining the Me underneath. Shedding the unwanted dirt, and showing up pearly white.  Today was about protecting.  Fluoride Varnish = Vitamins for the Teeth, according to Tina.  How can you go wrong?  

So, I did my time in the chair.  Tina asked me how I've been doing with flossing, and I couldn't quite come clean.  I told her I've been trying - maybe 3 times a week.  She said the more I floss, the less my gums will bleed....and I suppose that makes sense.  

MESSAGE:  We need to floss every day.  We need to fight the decay, with everything we have.  We need to protect ourselves from the invasions.

So, like us, our gums build up a tolerance.  Push them around a little bit, and they respond with resilience.  The fact is, they need the intrusion - they want to be challenged, on a daily basis.  They're more than willing to stand up for themselves.  I suppose we could learn a lot from our gum tissue.  

Tina took some measurements today.  Tooth by tooth, she measured the gap between tooth and gum.  Oddly, those spaces are significant too.  As it turns out, the pockets she evaluated can determine whether or not a patient has periodontal disease.  Tooth by tooth, I wondered if my years of avoidance would result in a harsh sentence. Frankly, I was surprised when they didn't.

According to Tina, I have a little Gingivitis, but it's completely reversible.  Wow.  How about that?  Imagine going to a shrink, and having her tell you that anything you've experienced to date, is easily deflected.  Any hurt, any trauma, any self-inflicted damage - no problem.  Just floss.  

And I'm not stringing you along.  Flossing is recommended by all dental professionals.  I'm only suggesting that the concept be introduced on different levels.  At the risk of quoting another DMB song, "The space between the tears we cry, is the laughter - keeps us coming back for more."  How beautiful and true.  Keep those spaces open and clean.  Let that laughter in - and realize it's all worth it.  

In any case, my teeth are scraped, polished, vitamin induced, and ready for Smiles by Stevens appointment #3 - The Fillings, the Crown, the potential Root Canal.  

Stay tuned, Folks.  

- L.  

Be The Phoenix

A few of my friends have been going through some rough times, and when asking one of them how his weekend went, he told me it was good, because he'd been able to "shut off his brain."  While I was glad he was able to characterize his weekend as "good," I was surprisingly disheartened by his explanation.  Red flags went up immediately, and I thought - We shouldn't have to shut off our brains to get by.  If we're closing off our minds, how are we fine?  And why are we burying ourselves, to create this illusion of peace and contentment?

And not that I fault my friend.  I think we all do this, to some extent.  It's easier to suppress, ignore, avoid, than to face those inner demons.  Easier to drown out those internal and external cries for help.  Let's put up a wall, let's buffer our hearts, let's hide from the rest of the world.  And then, we can pretend we're happy.  Who wouldn't be happy with a shield against angst?  Who couldn't be content with a fortress to keep our psyches safe?  And yet, we're muting the very thing that makes us who we are.  By isolating the brain and its responses, we're ignoring the single-most, central part of ourselves.  And yes, the brain tells the heart what to do, most of the time.  And yes, segregating the brain, can mean losing heart.  

But shouldn't we be switching ON our brains?  Shouldn't we be tapping their energy, and letting them drive us?  Our brain power should be able to charge through the muck, weed out the bad, and dispose of it.  If we neglect to encourage this process, the muck will grow and suffocate us.  There's a point where extraneous litter builds to trash, and trash continues to pile, and piles become too overwhelming to sort through.  Who wants to live in an intellectual and psychological dump?  Who wants to be a pain and anxiety hoarder?

So, I considered all of the ways we choose to suppress ourselves.  We use everything from lack of confidence, to substances, to verbal and physical abuse - and even suicide - to negate who we are.  We turn away from ourselves, when we need ourselves the most.  And why do we do it?  Why do we need to escape so badly that we let other people decide for us, and control us.  We let addictions take over.  We let codependency convince us that other peoples' lives are more important than our own.  Why aren't our brains protesting?  Why aren't they crying for help?

And the fact is, I don't know.  And maybe it's not the same for everyone.  The truth is, I understand my friend's need to shut off his brain.  I know what it's like to be malcontent.  I have my own nagging subconscious, and I struggle daily to mute it.  I'm only suggesting that maybe we should stop trying to silence our thoughts, take a listen, and invest in ourselves a bit more.  Maybe paying attention will wake us up.  Maybe reconnecting will create the spark that fuels us, and moves us forward.  We all deserve to experience that fire inside of us.  It's who we are.  Don't be content to put it out, and move on.  Let's not live the rest of our lives in heaps of smoldering ashes.

- L.  

Living the Dream

I wake up every day, wishing for a day to sleep in, rejuvenate, refresh.  Last night, I went to bed with the Little Naked Dog, snoring husband out of town, nothing on tap for the morning.  Enter 6:45 am.  Awake and anxious, unable to sleep.  Determined to get some rest, I stayed in bed, fell asleep around 9:30 am, slept until noon.  Enter bad dreams.  Restless sleep.  Unrewarding time spent.

So, what does it take to rejuvenate, refresh?  Obviously, sleep = fail.  And I started thinking about movies.  When I get the chance to hide for a weekend, I choose movies.  I watch, and I relax.  I watch, and I cry.  I watch, and I find this renewed hope.  Something about spending a weekend watching movies, makes me feel more attached to life.  What is it about fiction that brings me back to reality?

I've always been drawn to the imaginary, to the dream, to the ideal.  I've always said, if we can comprehend it - it should be possible.  So, why do movies fill me up?  Why am I able to refuel?  I think it's because they reinforce the dream.  They feed that part of us that believes in the intangibles - faith, religion, love, perfection.  Movies believe in all of those things.  And if watching makes us feel good - Why are we guilty for buying into the comfort zone?

And explore this:  Why do we live every day, watching movies that dig out our deepest emotions, crying about fictional victories and defeats, applauding wins, and mourning losses - Why do we cling to fiction?  Why do we believe in the arts, and continue to pretend that the intangibles aren't accessible within?  Why do we doubt faith, religion, love, perfection?  If people can create art, based on visions of these things - then they MUST exist.  Maybe the visions are dreams, but dreams are still possible.

And how many times have we lived a "dream," and not been fulfilled?  How many times have we smiled at lovers holding hands on a beach, or watching a sunset - and been touched inside - only to find that doing it in person is unrewarding?  How many times have we walked down a beach, hand in hand, only to find that it's not as romantic as we thought?  Seriously.  Reality is lacking a dimension.

But Fiction is a genre worth considering.  A good book, a good movie, a good song - can change your mood, can change your day, can change your life.  A good piece of art can show you how to believe.  If what we can build in our minds, can move us all - There's something more to it.  We're moved, because we believe.  We cry, because we feel.  We smile, because we know it's all still possible.  And imagining the dream is what keeps us all alive.  So, I have a hope in tomorrow.  I still believe in today.  And I know that there are other people in the world who feel the same.  And I think that's what movies are all about.  And I love fiction for consistently bringing me back to reality.  I love fiction for making me feel.  I love fiction for being real.  

There's nothing more profound in life, than knowing what you imagine is possible - and doing your best to make sure you realize it.  Life is real, but fiction leads us.  Tap into your souls, embrace the intangibles, live your lives.  Watch movies, listen to music, do whatever you need, to fill yourselves up.  It's all worth it.  

- L.